Focus on Etiquette

Hemingway said “Courage is grace under pressure” and with investment portfolios being decimated by the recent global financial downturn and retirement plans put on hold, this quotation may become the mantra of the day.

One excellent strategy for sustaining grace under pressure is to fall back on the familiar mechanics of good manners.  A solid foundation of etiquette provides automatic behaviours for difficult situations.  In a world where cool self-possession is the order of the day, it’s often preferable to hide behind polite platitudes rather than to disclose angst-laden personal information to family, friends and colleagues in a way you’ll regret later.

By managing negative emotion and frustration, you increase your coping skills and re-program energy-draining pessimistic thoughts.  And by presenting an air of calm composure, you not only project quiet reassurance to those around you, but also, by default, reassure yourself.

Another often-overlooked strategy is that of body language.  Simply by paying attention to your posture and standing correctly, you appear confident and in control.

Keeping your composure through hard times will benefit those around you in your work place and at home.  Children are especially aware of the happiness level of their parents and can become anxious if they don’t understand a change in them.  Some parents choose to share the news of job loss or the necessity to move house or change schools in such a way that the children feel part of the equation without feeling threatened.  If a change is inevitable, encourage them to think of it as an adventure.

When the economy gets tough and profit margins sink, business owners and entrepreneurs may prosper from establishing a trusting rapport with their clients through the use of modern business etiquette, the unwritten code that governs the way individuals and companies deal courteously with each other.  A company whose corporate culture embraces values-based business etiquette is perceived as trustworthy, ethical and honest.  Traits that are in huge demand right now.

If your own state of affairs is secure, be on the alert for others whose circumstances may be less so.  Be sensitive as to the possible reason a friend suddenly drops out of social commitments.  Don’t gush about your recent safari in Africa to a friend who has been recently downsized.  Be understanding if your dinner party invitation hasn’t been reciprocated.  Don’t ask personal questions, but if the occasion arises, offer constructive help in a way that doesn’t come across as pity.  Encourage networking if you feel it will lead to something useful.  Be kind, be positive and be a real friend:  stick to the Golden Rule.

Whining seems to have become a global hobby but that doesn’t make it any more attractive.  If you find yourself about to wallow in a self-pitying moan, give yourself a mental shake and immediately do something proactive, or vent on your personal (anonymous) blog, or recall pictures of starving children until you have things firmly back in perspective.

You have control over your attitude in any given situation.  An optimistic attitude will determine your future in a positive way, whatever the state of the Markets.

Recreational golf is about you and your game.  Business golf is about the enjoyment of your client.   Spending 4 hours on the golf course is a great way to build and strengthen business relationships.  

• Look relaxed and behave professionally. 
• Preparation is key.  Good hosts earn credibility.
• Allow for all eventualities by walking through every detail in your mind. 
• Familiarise yourself with the course and brush up on the rules of the game and golf etiquette. 
• Offer your client his/her preferred choice of tee times. 
• Inform him/her of the required dress code ahead of time.
• Send clear directions/map to the Club.
• If it’s to be a foursome, include players of the same handicap or lower so that your client isn’t bored. 
• Arrive at least 45 minutes ahead of the tee-off time and pay for the green fees and cart, if your client prefers not to walk. (Remember to practise cart etiquette).
• As an extra touch, provide a sleeve of golf balls, a personalised bag tag and yardage information of the course. 
• Allow your client to practise with a bucket of balls at the driving range with your compliments.
• As host, you are responsible for the speed of play.  Keep it as close to 4 hours as possible without nagging and making your client feel uncomfortable.
• Leave any mention of business to your client but, if you must, use the first 6 holes for bonding before jumping in.  However, if your client’s body language shows reluctance, back off and leave any further discussion until the 19th hole.
• Don’t ask questions that are too personal when trying to make conversation.
• Point out that cell/smart phones are not allowed on the course.  If your client decides to take a call, stand by quietly.
• Don’t deliberately lose the game to make him/her feel good.  Play a decent game and be gracious if you win.  A good-humoured compliment or two will help.
• If you play badly, don’t lose your cool.  You’ll embarrass yourself and those around you.
• If your client wants to gamble, keep the stakes low.
• If you see any cheating taking place, ignore it.  However, be aware that “He who cheats in golf, cheats in life”.  
• Keep any jokes and small talk clean and culturally sensitive.
• After the game, avoid too much alcohol.    Apart from looking unprofessional, it could lead to your divulging too much Company or personal information. 
• If your client orders a soft drink,  do the same.  If you’re entertaining more than one client and the others order alcohol, choose wisely.
• Be prepared to drive a client home if he/she has too much to drink, or call and prepay a cab.  Be polite but firm and use appropriate humour to ease the situation.  Don’t refer to it when you next meet.
• You should receive a phone call or email thanking you within 48 hours.  If not, it’s acceptable to follow up with an email saying how much you enjoyed the day and that you will be in touch to discuss business further. 

Question to Self:  What do I do when a much-admired and hugely famous legend in the field does something so cluelessly small-minded and mean-spirited that not only does he fall off his pedestal, he brings the whole thing crashing down all over his clay feet?

Answer to Self:  Take a deep breath, smile, shake it off and move on.  Let good manners save the day yet again, not to mention my soaring blood pressure.  Walk the Walk.

A purse dial (aka butt dial) is an inadvertent cell phone call initiated by pressure to the keypad in a purse or pocket, resulting in a call being placed to the last number dialed or anybody from the contact list.

Unless you’re a sack of potatoes, it takes you less than 10 seconds to identify one of these calls.  Take another 5 seconds to make sure it isn’t a bone fide emergency call, then resist the temptation to listen in to somebody else’s unguarded conversation and end the call.

Easier said than done but by far the wisest and most polite move.  Think about it….. eavesdropping is never a good thing.

Why are we doing such a poor job of preparing our latest batch of  Millennials (1993+) for their transition into the workplace?  Few schools include pre-placement training and companies provide little or no mentoring to introduce new-hires to their corporate culture. 

Millennials are the most technologically savvy generation to date. Confident and ambitious, generous minded and globally philanthropic, this hard working and largely values-centric generation will inevitably shape current corporate practices to their own preferences.

In the meantime, they need to understand the realities of current business etiquette in order to thrive whilst companies with vision and foresight gradually adapt to accommodate their demands.

Being part of a multigenerational workforce with a diverse mindset can be frustrating and confusing to a generation used to flexibility and freedom, but everybody wins when boundaries blend in total employee engagement.

Over the past year, I’ve conducted an informal survey of teens attending my classes to identify the specific skills they must acquire prior to their upcoming internships/summer placements in the corporate world.

The result is a 4-hour interactive workshop covering the fundamentals of business etiquette, protocol, personal presentation, dining and effective communication.

Millennials are committed to personal success.  Let’s give them a fighting chance from the get-go.

What is it about the word “etiquette” that conjures up images of old ladies sipping tea out of bone china teacups, or pretentious, class-driven wannabes desperately showing off their imagined superiority?

Defined as “rules governing socially acceptable behaviour”, etiquette may sound stuffy and old-fashioned but in reality it’s a set of practical, everyday, constantly updated behavioural guidelines compiled to help us tackle the confusion of modern manners.  Etiquette is about knowing how to treat others. 

Stress levels decrease and  self-confidence soars when the answers are clear:  young or old, knowing automatically how to behave and react in social and business situations earmarks individuals for success. 

Civility is currently in free fall; maybe the answer is to teach the value of etiquette and respect to all children in their formative years.  Let’s start with them and they can lead the next generation by their example.

From its origins in 17th century France to the present, etiquette remains a word with the power to change personal behaviour and to smooth the rough edges of human nature.

Q: Both sets of parents are divorced, with new spouses. We’ve settled the seating in the Church and at the Reception, but how do we handle the Receiving Line?

A: In the case of divorced parents who don’t want to stand next to each other, try this variation of the Receiving Line: Bride’s Mother, Groom’s Father, Bride’s Father, Groom’s Mother, Bride, Groom, Maid of Honour, Best Man.

Q: Can I wear white for my second wedding?

A: It’s your day and your choice. However, strictly speaking, second-time-around brides don’t wear white. Why not opt for a chic pastel or, at the other end of the spectrum, one of the gloriously bright colours that are currently in fashion?

Q: Can I wear black to my daughter’s white wedding?

A: Yes, with reservations. Make sure your daughter is happy with the idea, check that you carry the colour well and look stunning rather than bleak, and be sure to add tasteful accessories for an elegant rather than a dramatic look.

Q: I’ve been asked to be Best Woman at the wedding of my lifelong friend (male). What are my duties?

A: As Best Woman, your duties will be the same as those of the traditional Best Man. Your role is to be dependable, calm and supportive up to and including the wedding day. Buy a book or check online to find your exact duties, write and practise your speech, make sure the ceremony director and officiant know of your status and don’t lose the ring. Good luck.

Q: We are celebrating our same-sex union in Church. How do we seat our guests without upsetting the old tradition?

A: Customs evolve with the times to meet new social conventions. Choose a side for each family or do away with that aspect all together and have your guests ushered to their seats at random as they file in. This also works well in cases where there are more guests on one side than the other and makes for an even distribution throughout the Church.

Q: I don’t want children at my wedding. How do I word the invitation so that my guests will get the message and not bring their babies?

A: This used to be easy – simply by addressing the invitation specifically to the people you wished to attend your wedding guaranteed an automatic understanding. But somehow, these days, people seem to think that if they receive an invitation, it gives them carte blanche to bring along children and even extended family. You could try spreading the word about your wishes through close friends and family and hope it registers or, but this is very tricky, you could write a carefully worded note to those guests who may offend. But on the day, if a guest turns up with baby on hip and toddler in tow, there is nothing you can do about it but make the best of it and let your happiness overcome your chagrin.

Q: I received a wedding invitation from my goddaughter with a note inside stating that instead of wedding presents, she and her fiancé preferred contributions towards their mortgage. Am I right to feel indignant? How much should I be pressured into giving?

A: I think you may feel indignant because the request for cash as a wedding present is new to you. In fact, it’s a growing phenomenon and one that has its roots based in practicality and our multicultural heritage. In many cultures, it’s an accepted tradition to give money to the bride and groom. I suspect the way the request was delivered struck the wrong note with you: a stark request inside an invitation can easily be translated as a “cash grab”. A better way would have been to circulate the request through close friends and family via word of mouth. You needn’t feel “pressured” into giving more than you had planned to spend on their wedding present and remember that, in the end, the choice of present is yours. If you are really uncomfortable contributing to their mortgage, give them an alternative present that you think they would enjoy, together with your sincere best wishes.

Q: We received a wedding invitation to the Reception only. As we may not be able to attend, do we still have to send a gift?

A: It would be kind and generous to send a present even though your sensibilities may have been hurt from being on the B-list as opposed to the A-list. (I don’t use lists for this very reason). The fact that you may not be able to attend is irrelevant.

Q: How long do we have to wait until we can get rid of some of the wedding presents we don’t like? We got married six months ago.

A: My advice is to wait a full year before offloading unwanted wedding presents and then make sure you do it carefully and with sensitivity. If Great Aunt Nellie gave you a hideous heirloom, it’s still an heirloom and should perhaps be kept (albeit hidden) and brought out at family gatherings. If you’re going to use a Charitable Foundation, don’t send unwanted presents to the local store where they may be recognised. If you choose to re-gift, it’s vital that you remember exactly who gave you the present in the first place.